Father Cancels Daughter’s Sweet 16 After She Doesn’t Stick To Her Promises, Family Drama Ensues Interview
How do you teach your child about consequences? On paper, it sounds simple enough: you set the boundaries, and if those are broken – the kid loses something in return. Doesn’t matter if it’s phone privileges or a suspended Netflix subscription (yikes!). That should teach them a lesson.
The ugly part of this whole learning curve? No matter if your heart is made from the finest titanium, it’s going to break a little every time they call you ‘the worst father/mother’ in the universe. This little person you brought to Earth suddenly hates you.
This 49-year-old dad definitely knows how it feels. Not only he has to take care both of his daughter and son all by himself, since the mother lives in a whole different state. This father also has to keep them in line. Which by all rights means canceling the sweet 16 if one of them causes trouble at school.
You probably heard this before: peer pressured into bringing some booze to your so-called friends; getting one of them accidentally sick and yourself into 5-day suspension. Dad finds out about this and rightfully cancels the daughter’s 16th birthday.
Feeling guilty for calling off what’s supposed to be a very special birthday in every teen’s life, father turned to ‘Am I The A-Hole‘ subreddit seeking an outsider’s opinion. And boy, he got plenty of it.
Disappointed father gets a real taste of teenage meltdown after he tries to teach his 15 y.o. daughter an important lesson
Image credits: Kyle Broad
This is how it all went down
Image credits: Stay_Alive34
People were supportive of the father and his ‘tough love’ approach
Parenting is a tricky science. As the kids are constantly evolving, growing from babies to toddlers to adolescents to adults, parents have to recalibrate what their role is and how much control they have over their young ‘uns. The worst part? Nobody knows anything about it; equally, everyone “knows” everything about it which makes it even more difficult to learn from others’ experiences — whether it’s eerily realistic scenarios in Judd Apatow’s films or parenting tips from ‘Am I The A-Hole’ stories.
Hearing what Dona Matthews, a practicing psychologist with a Ph.D. and the co-author of ‘Beyond Intelligence: Secrets for Raising Happily Productive Kids’ told Fashion Life after critically analyzing this father’s situation — it only drives this point further.
“Wrong decision. Dad might want to scale it back and find some other ways his daughter can earn this privilege,” Matthews told us. Contrary to the general consensus of subreddit’s users (‘NTA’), she doesn’t believe another failure has helped with the situation. “Cancelling the birthday is one more rejection — I don’t think that’s what this daughter needs right now.”
Instead, Matthews believes that pilling on additional rules and focusing on the negative behavior is not the way to go, despite what everyone thinks. “That might make sense for a younger child. But with a 16-year-old, you’re alienating her further, undermining her confidence, rather than working with her,” she argued.
Trying to approach this intricate situation from every angle possible, Fashion Life has also reached out to Dr. Ronald Stolberg, a clinical psychologist and the author of ‘Teaching Kids to Think: Raising Confident, Independent, and Thoughtful Children in an Age of Instant Gratification’. And he has a rather different take on father’s way of parenting his daughter.
“The idea that her friends played a role in the alcohol at school reinforces that hosting a birthday party would be a bad decision,” Stolberg told us. He made a good point in dad’s favor that if the teenagers had guts to bring alcohol to school, this would most likely have happened at home, during the celebration.
So what’s the best damage control plan for the dad, then? Stolberg thinks limiting daughter’s contact with her troublemaker friends is a good start. But one that’s easier said than done. “We parents can help them spend time with a better group of friends by modifying curfew, access to transportation, and even financially helping out.” However, Stolberg also reminds us that “it’s nearly impossible to force teens into abandoning their friends, no matter what.”
Finally, both Stolberg and Matthews suggested that a lot of parents often forget that they were once in the same turbulent position — a phase in life when it’s hard to tell the difference between right and wrong.
“Remember that they’re also doing the best they can,” Matthews advised, adding, “this is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do. But whatever happens: be patient and loving with your child.”
Not the AH. But.... "sometimes she will lash out and I will have to punish her"??!! This girl is at a crossroads. Get YOURSELF to see that counselor for part of her sessions and get on a better path.
I thought the same. "Lashing out" is pretty normal for a teenager that age, but this girl seems quite lost. More punishments are not the way to go imo.
Punishments perhaps not. But consequences. Yes. I don't see the point in removing electronic devices from kids because it is often unrelated to the behavior, but if she was specifically told she could have the party only if she stayed out of trouble then he has not punished her - he has withheld the reward for appropriate behavior. That is a consequence. If there is NO consequence then the behavior continues.
Nobody here thinks that the party should still happen, but the father himself admits that he often has to punish her, and as somebody pointed out a cycle like this is not sustainable. It's good that he's put up boundries and he's sticking to them, but it could be beneficial if, in addition to the good things he's already doing, he would look into some professional help for them both to communicate better.
I totally think she should get her bday party. It seems this dude is just randomly punishing her for "lashing out", instead of trying to find the reason for her behavior.
Sorry, I knew generalizing like that would come back to bite me in the ass!
I agree. I feel like canceling the party will just make her more resentful and more disobedient. It's her sweet 16. Come on, man, it only happens once. She's going to remember it, no matter what happens. There are better ways to punish somebody.
It’s essential that the entire family also see a therapist, not just the daughter.
I agree. With the mom living out of state, the son and father could probably use therapy too
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No. You don't make the entire family go to AA if just the Dad is a drunk. You don't make the entire family go to physical therapy if only 1 of them is injured. This is a problem with the child and its absolutely absurd that you try to lump the father and the son into therapy.
Teenagers acting out are almost always whole family problems. Also, AlAnon is totally a thing, made just for the families of alcoholics.
Thank you for sharing that, I wasn't familiar with AlAnon!
It's not to punish them like you seem to think. Is an alcoholic dad the only one affected by his drinking? Not likely. The same can go for situations such as this. When one member of the family is having a hard time it often has a negative impact on the whole family and their relationships. People don't realize this and then things can get worse and/or cause more problems for not just the "problem" family member but all the others as well. Then along comes the blame and animosity because of the dysfunction caused by the issues caused by the original family member. See how things can spin out of control? Very quickly and very easily. K
Um have you heard of a little organization called Al-Anon?
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My dad was an alcoholic. I knew it was the alcohol making him an asshole. I knew that my actions affect my life and I didnt need a therapist to tell me that. What a waste of time! If I would have needed therapy... that just means Im weak, which would be a problem even if my dad was sober.
Needing therapy does NOT mean a person is weak. Most people encounter things, feelings, or situations in their lives that would benefit from a therapist's assistance.
Tobin, you still need therapy
Tobin you most definitely need therapy we can all see that from you comments alone. You're apathetic and angry on here. Please talk to someone. Everyone benefits from therapy bad childhood or not. It clears your mind and helps you think rationally. Your fathers abuse has most definitely affected you and now you're going to pass on your trauma to everyone else as evident by your comments on here daily. How arrogant to think you don't need help.
My father didn't abuse me at all. Never touched me in any way that anyone would deem unacceptable. I just am of the mindset that you and you alone are responsible for how your mind thinks and if you let someone else warp your mind, you are weaker. So if you need therapy for something other than like war PTSD, you are weak. I moved across the world to be on my own and was strong for me. My father didn't hold me back and it would have just been a pathetic crutch of an excuse to blame anything on his drinking. I was also bullied as a kid... I could have let that warp me but I didnt and thats because I was stronger mentally. If you don't like that then tough titties. Im past the point of giving a rats ass about others' feelings because it doesn't affect me. It saves my mental energy for being a stronger person and making the most of myself. I don't need a stranger with a notepad to help me.
Sorry to inform you, but your extreme lack of empathy in itself is a trace of trauma, and you should take care of it somehow.
Sounds like the girl is struggling, her Mum isn't nearby to talk to. I would focus more on making myself approachable for her to discuss her fears and pressures over constant punishment. The latter clearly isn't working, and it seems there's a lot more going on than a "naughty teenager". "My ONE friend pressured me" is a massive red flag to me. Poor girl.
Not the AH. But.... "sometimes she will lash out and I will have to punish her"??!! This girl is at a crossroads. Get YOURSELF to see that counselor for part of her sessions and get on a better path.
I thought the same. "Lashing out" is pretty normal for a teenager that age, but this girl seems quite lost. More punishments are not the way to go imo.
Punishments perhaps not. But consequences. Yes. I don't see the point in removing electronic devices from kids because it is often unrelated to the behavior, but if she was specifically told she could have the party only if she stayed out of trouble then he has not punished her - he has withheld the reward for appropriate behavior. That is a consequence. If there is NO consequence then the behavior continues.
Nobody here thinks that the party should still happen, but the father himself admits that he often has to punish her, and as somebody pointed out a cycle like this is not sustainable. It's good that he's put up boundries and he's sticking to them, but it could be beneficial if, in addition to the good things he's already doing, he would look into some professional help for them both to communicate better.
I totally think she should get her bday party. It seems this dude is just randomly punishing her for "lashing out", instead of trying to find the reason for her behavior.
Sorry, I knew generalizing like that would come back to bite me in the ass!
I agree. I feel like canceling the party will just make her more resentful and more disobedient. It's her sweet 16. Come on, man, it only happens once. She's going to remember it, no matter what happens. There are better ways to punish somebody.
It’s essential that the entire family also see a therapist, not just the daughter.
I agree. With the mom living out of state, the son and father could probably use therapy too
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
No. You don't make the entire family go to AA if just the Dad is a drunk. You don't make the entire family go to physical therapy if only 1 of them is injured. This is a problem with the child and its absolutely absurd that you try to lump the father and the son into therapy.
Teenagers acting out are almost always whole family problems. Also, AlAnon is totally a thing, made just for the families of alcoholics.
Thank you for sharing that, I wasn't familiar with AlAnon!
It's not to punish them like you seem to think. Is an alcoholic dad the only one affected by his drinking? Not likely. The same can go for situations such as this. When one member of the family is having a hard time it often has a negative impact on the whole family and their relationships. People don't realize this and then things can get worse and/or cause more problems for not just the "problem" family member but all the others as well. Then along comes the blame and animosity because of the dysfunction caused by the issues caused by the original family member. See how things can spin out of control? Very quickly and very easily. K
Um have you heard of a little organization called Al-Anon?
This comment is hidden. Click here to view.
My dad was an alcoholic. I knew it was the alcohol making him an asshole. I knew that my actions affect my life and I didnt need a therapist to tell me that. What a waste of time! If I would have needed therapy... that just means Im weak, which would be a problem even if my dad was sober.
Needing therapy does NOT mean a person is weak. Most people encounter things, feelings, or situations in their lives that would benefit from a therapist's assistance.
Tobin, you still need therapy
Tobin you most definitely need therapy we can all see that from you comments alone. You're apathetic and angry on here. Please talk to someone. Everyone benefits from therapy bad childhood or not. It clears your mind and helps you think rationally. Your fathers abuse has most definitely affected you and now you're going to pass on your trauma to everyone else as evident by your comments on here daily. How arrogant to think you don't need help.
My father didn't abuse me at all. Never touched me in any way that anyone would deem unacceptable. I just am of the mindset that you and you alone are responsible for how your mind thinks and if you let someone else warp your mind, you are weaker. So if you need therapy for something other than like war PTSD, you are weak. I moved across the world to be on my own and was strong for me. My father didn't hold me back and it would have just been a pathetic crutch of an excuse to blame anything on his drinking. I was also bullied as a kid... I could have let that warp me but I didnt and thats because I was stronger mentally. If you don't like that then tough titties. Im past the point of giving a rats ass about others' feelings because it doesn't affect me. It saves my mental energy for being a stronger person and making the most of myself. I don't need a stranger with a notepad to help me.
Sorry to inform you, but your extreme lack of empathy in itself is a trace of trauma, and you should take care of it somehow.
Sounds like the girl is struggling, her Mum isn't nearby to talk to. I would focus more on making myself approachable for her to discuss her fears and pressures over constant punishment. The latter clearly isn't working, and it seems there's a lot more going on than a "naughty teenager". "My ONE friend pressured me" is a massive red flag to me. Poor girl.