I’m a 22-year-old female with a 24-year-old partner. We had met a few years back and have been together for over a year! All the while, I had been applying to several universities for a chance to undergo my Master's degree in another country. I also applied for several scholarships!

Luckily for me, I got offered a full-ride scholarship to my university of choice for my Masters but my boyfriend insists he doesn’t want me to go!

I explained to him that this was a golden opportunity and I would be a fool to give it up but he insists he won’t stay in the relationship and watch me leave the country. He gave me two options. I can either pick him or the scholarship. I well and truly have worked hard to get this scholarship and I really want to pick it over him! I’m only 22 years old and this could open so many doors for me!

AITA for wanting to put myself first!?

#1

The golden rule is if they give you a 'it's me or that' ultimatum, you choose 'that'. You won't get another opportunity like this, but you can get a better dude who isn't going to try and stifle your progress and success.

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Emberlee Tatum
Community Member
3 months ago

Preach. 👏

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#2

Chose the scholarship. If the boyfriend is putting you in this position, I bet there is another...or several...similar choices down the road. In one of them, you won't choose him and he will move on, and you'll have missed this opportunity.

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#3

NTA - If your boyfriend cannot support your dreams and goals for the betterment of your own future, then he is just trying to control you and own you. If you're ready to forever live your life according to someone else's wishes and demands and never be your own person, then stay with him. Otherwise, if you want to be your own person, if you have dreams and goals that are important to you, then he will always be in your way. My advice is to leave him and find someone who will support you and your dreams. You are correct, you are only 22 years old - there is plenty of time to find someone who will love you and support you. This guy isn't that someone. Good luck with everything!

PS: In my experience, anyone who tells you to choose between them and something/someone else is a controlling, abusive person and you should immediately choose the other thing/person.

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Lois L. LaBounty
Community Member
3 months ago

The Masters, you can support yourself. That way when the controlling jerk finds someone else to train and leaves. You will be fine. You are being handed your future, basically for free. And he wants you to give that up?!? Move on to your future. Leave him in the past where he belongs.

#4

Choose your career! There are 4 Billion men outthere... Some of them are way better than this one. He doesn't care for you or your wishes. He is also not very sensible: better education can bring better salary in the future. Why not to do it?
Just go! And gratulations on your schoolarship!

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#5

Pick the scholarship. He refuses to compromise (no Skype or Zoom, no visiting, no waiting), so he sounds ready to give up on the relationship. If you don't go, he could still break up with you over something else. At 24, he may not have the maturity for a long relationship. At 22, you're far too young to give up on a great opportunity that may not happen again.

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Caro Caro
Community Member
3 months ago

Yeah, 22. OMG so young ... the world is your oyster. She worked so hard for the scholarship as well.

#6

NTA, you putting your education before your SO is wasy more important than them

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#7

Nta. Take the scholarship, leave the boyfriend. Seriously he sounds kinda controlling from the post.

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High Mamii Melo
Community Member
3 months ago

Why are all of these the boyfriend? There's definitely women who do this as well.

#8

Even if he were absolutely wonderful and perfect as a person, you already know which path your life is going to take. If he's not going to help you down that path, then he's not the one to take such an intimate role in your life.

This is YOUR story. Believe in it, and appreciate those people who believe in you for it.

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#9

NTA. Is it wrong to have a dream? No. You need a good education to get a good job to make money. If your boyfriend doesn't support your chance then just leave. He has no right to tell you what to do. You get an opportunity, a true partner would be happy for you and support you unconditionally. It seems like he is putting HIMSELF first if anything. But that's just my opinion.

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#10

NTA you have a great opportunity and you should take it. Your boyfriend should be happy for you that you got the scholarship you wanted. You should explain to him that you can get a really good job with your masters degree and that it could build a supportive family. If he doesn’t support your choices then i suggest you just do it. -your friendly neighborhood triangle

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#11

NTA. Never compromise your dreams for someone else. And no one who genuinely loved you would ask you to, much less demand it.

I wish you SO much luck, happiness and success!

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#12

This is coming from a 43 yr old woman…. Pick the scholarship. Always put yourself first, especially right now. When you’re older, you may not be able to put yourself first (kids, marriage, etc). Do NOT throw this opportunity away for a guy. I understand you might love him and it’ll hurt for awhile, but if you throw your dream away because someone tells you to chose education over a relationship, you’ll resent him later on down the road. You’ll resent yourself as well.

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#13

It's hard to depict. My personal opinion is that you should use your chances. The younger the better.
Also he shouldn't pressure but rather support you.
You're at least not an asshole for simply having and pursuing a dream.

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#14

Wow. The sheer fact that he offered you an ultimatum says it's not meant to be for me. He should be happy for you. Never turn down the chance at an education. I can see that he would miss you and he doesnt want you to leave, but his reaction is just wrong.

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Moezzzz
Community Member
3 months ago

Same here! I mean, my husband is in the military, okay, and though he doesn't have to deploy anymore, he did (a lot) at one time. I can't imagine telling him "don't go! Or we're through!". It's for our future and his as well. There's been plenty of times over the last 10 yrs that he's had to be away for months at a time, but he's a lifer (31 yrs in the Army this year), and he loves what he does. I cannot honestly believe that you can love someone and give them an ultimatum like this. This dude sounds like a loser who'll end up breaking their heart regardless

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#15

NTA- it’s your choice, not your bf’s choice and you should always put your best interests first

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#16

NTA. Don't pass up an opportunity like this. Leave the boyfriend, take the scholarship. If he can't be happy and support you then you need to close the door on him. Put yourself first and go for it.

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#17

Choose the scholarship. If he really loved you, he would want whatever is best and would support whatever you wanted to do. Forcing you to choose is showing that he doesn't care what's best for you, just what he wants

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#18

You already know the answer and it’s silly to think otherwise. Pick yourself, I mean your Bf is picking himself by giving you an ultimatum. Easy.

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#19

NTA lol. You worked hard on this scholarship and this is a really big chance to get a great education/job. (Congrats, btw.)
If your boyfriend really can't see what a big deal that is, he's not worth giving up the scholarship for anyways. Definitely go for it. Good luck :)

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Community Member
3 months ago

Oh, and also, he should honestly be grateful. I feel like if he was really thinking about the two of you, he'd realize that you getting a scholarship could really set you two up for a good life. I personally feel like he's either being toxic or dumb. You should go get that scholarship. That's really awesome for you, and don't give it up.

#20

Yes you are but only because you felt the need to ask this question on a forum when the answer is so blinking obvious !

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#21

NTA at all!!! Definitely choose the scholarship!!
As others have said, he should be supporting you not making you choose!
If you are meant to be together you will find each other again in the future.

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#22

Take the scholarship. You already know what you want, so go for it. He could choose to be happy for you and what it could mean for your future together, but instead he's being manipulative, trying to hold you back and undermining your development. It's sad to have to choose, but he's the one putting you in that position. If you don't go you'll regret it and you'll come to resent him.

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#23

Take the scholarship! There will be other boys at school! I have chocolate if you get too sad!

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#24

I think that if you do not accept the scholarship and this amazing opportunity, you will regret it for the rest of your life. NTA.

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#25

You said you have been applying for overseas Universities but he only makes it an issue after you are successful in your application? Sounds like he doesn't believe in you. NTA

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#26

Why do you even doubt yourself?
It's not like you're ignoring him on his deathbed. I'm sorry for being harsh. Why do you even say 'AITA'.
You're not even selfish here. If your partner cared for you at all, he should've forced you to take the scholarship. If your relationship is strong it will prevail, no matter the distance. Time will pass and you will end up resenting him for choosing him over the scholarship.
Best of luck and stop questioning yourself as long as you're not harming anyone else, you're not TA.

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#27

Yeah NTA.
I understand that long term relationships rarely work out, especially when its several years long, but if he is not even willing to give it a go when you have such a wonderful opportunity, then I think its better to end sooner than later when next chance appears that he does not agree with.

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Community Member
3 months ago

Long distance*

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#28

Huge NTA! If someone wants you to pass on a golden opportunity then you should pass on them. I've been friends with or dated the that or me folks. I don't talk to any of them anymore; eventually I found all of them to be very toxic.
You should follow your dreams and reap the rewards of your hard work. And dodge all that student debt. I don't have it but my fiance does and woo boy it's about to devour our budget.
Not to mention you might meet someone in college who's trying to go the same life direction as you in college and if you meet someone like that, they might respect you and your goals more.

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#29

I’m no expert in romance but I’d say choose the scholarship. It’s a great opportunity and you worked hard to get there!

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#30

NTA. If you stuck with him, you would not be able to get the Masters degree.

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#31

NTA at all!!! Is your boyfriend going to further your career?? Is he going to pay for your masters degree completely so you can just focus on school?? No definitely not. This type of ultimatum is only going to be the first in a long lasting emotionally abusive relationship. If he supported you and said you to would try to make it work but understand the possibility of you both ending the relationship because of the distance than you would not of posted here to begin with. But because he gave you an ultimatum, and you posted here, you already know the answer. OF COURSE YOU SHOULD PUT YOURSELF FIRST!

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#32

Choose your education. I chosed once a bf over dream education, and still regretting it this da

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#33

No way! You need a partner who wants you to succeed. He needs to understand that your personal goals and achievements matter, and that you need to pursue your goals. You need to feel free to take your opportunities. Plus, you're young, so this scholarship provides a lot of different paths for your life. He's manipulating you, and also, you need to reflect on how he's been when you've been successful and unsuccessful. If he is abusing/hurting you, get help!

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#34

Well depends on the situation. If its a matter of your own survival then no. However if it’s something to deal with a another persons family member being passed away that yes.

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#35

Ditch the dude, get the degree. You’ll spend the next 40 years regretting your decision if you don’t.

And IMO, at 22 you don’t know yourself enough to know if he’s the one for you. Take the time it takes to get a Masters to get to know yourself and figure out what you really want. It may not end up being him It’s more fair to yourself and him, if you do that.

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#36

You have every right to do something for you...if someone gives you an ultimatum they are not worth it...don't put your dreams aside for anyone....you worked hard for this...Don't give up on your dreams. I say he is the asshole for making you choose!

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#37

Remember, the person who is asking you to make THEM your priority (over a hard-earned opportunity) clearly DOES NOT have your well-being in mind at all. This is after they have seen all the work you put into this.
Also, ask yourself, what would you recommend for a friend who was in your position and situation? This question usually gives me a more objective perspective to work with, especially in situations where I feel I am too close to see the bigger picture.

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