Getting old isn’t much fun. Yeah, sure, you get somewhat wiser, more composed, and even might have an idea what to do with your life. But, on the other hand, there are pains and aches from having slept in an awkward position, there’s the handful of vitamins to be swallowed each morning, and there’s the graying hair and sagging skin. But, as the elders in my country say - the grayer the hair, the more mischief. To put it shortly, every single one of us is getting old, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Except, of course, laugh! And what’s a better way to prepare yourself for the upcoming woes of aging than a list full of old people jokes. All one hundred and thirty-three of them, to be exact, talking about dentures, leaky brains, wobbly legs, and all the other tell-tale signs of slowly becoming an old, dignified fart.

Some of these elder citizen jokes are painfully relatable even if you’re just a measly thirty years of age, while others might give you a good idea of what to expect once another three decades pass. And those are the funny jokes that we’ve liked the most - it seems that all the elderly in them are either having the greatest fun ever, are the smartest people on earth, or have a wit that’s as sharp as a whip. So, you know, it might be something actually to look forward to. Not convinced? Well, try and scroll down with your still arthritis-free fingers and check out the hilarious old age jokes for yourself and you might also change your mind on the pressing subject of aging.

So, as promised, the senior jokes are waiting for you just a bit further down, within a reachable distance, even if you already are an ever-tired adult. Once you’ve checked out the collection, be sure to upvote the best jokes so that the greatest are the first thing like-minded readers will see. Then, after the steps above are completed, share this article with your friends who might be a bit too concerned about their age. After all, becoming old is only natural and inevitable!

#1

“Poor old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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KT
Community Member
3 months ago

Just because he's old doesn't mean he's stupid

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#2

Bob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. While out for a stroll to discuss the wedding they pass a drugstore. Bob suggests they go in.

Bob asks to speak to the pharmacist. He explains they're about to get married, and asks,

"Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do," the pharmacist replies.

"Medicine for rheumatism?"

"Definitely," he says.

"How about Viagra?"

"Of course."

"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

"Yes, the works."

"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antacids?"

"Absolutely."

"Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

"All speeds and sizes."

"Good," Bob says to the pharmacist. "We'd like to register for our wedding gifts here, please."

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Ember
Community Member
3 months ago

LOL!

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#3

"To my friend's astonishment, a police car pulled up to her house and her elderly grand-father got out. The patrolman explained that the old gentleman had been lost in the city park and had asked for help.

"Why, Grandfather," my friend said, "you've been going there for 40 years. How could you get lost?"

The old man smiled slyly. "Wasn't exactly lost," he admitted. "I just got tired of walking."

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Mad Dragon
Community Member
3 months ago

Grandfather is kind of a genius.

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#4

"She's only in her 40s, but my friend Mary has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, even a stroke. Through it all, she and her husband, Mark, have kept their sense of humor. One day she said, "You know what kills me ... ?" Smiling, Mark teased, "Apparently nothing."

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BluEyedSeoulite
Community Member
3 months ago

This one is super cute!

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#5

An elderly couple is invited to eat dinner at another couple's home.
After dinner, the two women go into the kitchen and the two men remain at the table catching up. One of them, Frank, gushes over a restaurant he had taken wife to the previous weekend to celebrate their 60th anniversary.
“You have to take your wife there, the service is excellent, the food was delicious, it was honestly the best restaurant experience I’ve ever had.”
His friend, impressed, asks him what the name of the restaurant is.
Frank replies “Um… Ugh… I can’t remember.” After thinking about it for a couple of minutes he says, “Hey, wait, what’s the name of that, that flower?"

"A tulip?"

"No, no, no, the... the red one, you know, with... with thorns.”

“A rose?”

“Aha! Yes! Thank you!”

“Rose?” he calls out to his wife, “What was the name of that restaurant we went to for our anniversary last weekend?"

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
3 months ago

He could call her by any other name and she would still smell as sweet

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#6

"My husband was bending over to tie my three-year-old's shoes. That's when I noticed my son, Ben, staring at my husband's head.

He gently touched the slightly thinning spot of hair and said in a concerned voice, "Daddy, you have a hole in your head. Does it hurt?"

After a pause, I heard my husband's murmured reply: "Not physically."

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Printerman
Community Member
3 months ago

Oof. Big oof.

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#7

"One of the shortest wills ever written: "Being of sound mind, I spent all the money." —Arthur Bland

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Jasam Nitko
Community Member
3 months ago

That's what my great-grandmother did. She told her kids that she was spending her money on herself. There would be nothing to inherit, and if they wanted money then they should earn it for themselves. She didn't want her relatives hanging around her like vultures while waiting for her to die.

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#8

"Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed the bag boy eyeing my two adopted children. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Those your kids?"

"They sure are," I said with pride.

"They adopted?"

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

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Georgia Hebert
Community Member
3 months ago

Ouch!

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#9

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside. “Yes,” says Sally, “A lock of my husband’s hair.” “But Larry’s still alive.” “I know, but his hair is gone.”

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postboredom
Community Member
3 months ago

Poor poor Larry

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#10

"Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," he told the maitre d'. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately."

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Who Panda 420
Community Member
3 months ago

Death is always lurking around the corner. 💀

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#11

"After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

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william mcgloin
Community Member
3 months ago

That would make him a ghost writer so he should have been working on someone else's headstone...

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#12

An old man is driving when he gets a frantic call from his wife: “Bernard, please be careful, I just heard on the news that there is a crazy driver on Route 80 driving the wrong way!”
Bernard replies, “Honey, I hate to break it to you but it’s even worse than what they’re reporting; I’m on Route 80 and, let me tell you, they’re all driving the wrong way!”

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Vicky Z
Community Member
3 months ago

And now the crazy driver is also on the phone

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#13

"Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.

"But I filled them out last year," she replied.

"You have to fill them out every year."

"Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"

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Brian Bennett
Community Member
3 months ago

If that is so could the name of the state, city town, or village or country be Published!

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#14

An old man notices that his wife is having trouble hearing. He tries telling her to go for a hearing test, but she won’t hear of it. He decides to prove to her there’s something wrong with her hearing. He goes upstairs, takes out a recorder, turns it on and, knowing she is in the kitchen, yells downstairs, “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He goes downstairs and yells “Honey, what’s for supper?” Still no answer. He enters the living room and yells again “Honey, what’s for supper?” No answer. He even stands right outside the kitchen and yells “What's for supper?” and still, no answer. Finally, he stands right behind her and asks “Honey. What's. For. Supper?!” and she turns around and says “Damnit Al, for the hundredth time, CHICKEN!!!”

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Robert T
Community Member
3 months ago

Three rather deaf old ladies walking down the street. "Windy isn't it", said the first. "No, it's Thursday", said the second. "So am I, let's all go and have a cup of tea", said the third.

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#15

"I had been thinking about coloring my hair. One day while going through a magazine, I came across an ad for a hair-coloring product featuring a beautiful young model with hair a shade that I liked. Wanting a second opinion, I asked my husband,"How do you think this color would look on a face with a few wrinkles?"

He looked at the picture, crumpled it up, straightened it out and studied it again. "Just great, hon."

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Cassidy ChillRose
Community Member
3 months ago

Ouch, this was some seriously rough honesty. Then again, she did ask for it.

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#16

"My husband, a big-time sports fan, was watching a football game with our grandchildren. He had just turned 75 and was feeling a little wistful. "You know," he said to our grandson, Nick, "it's not easy getting old. I guess I'm in the fourth quarter now."

"Don't worry, Grandpa," Nick said cheerily. "Maybe you'll go into overtime."

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Printerman
Community Member
3 months ago

Kinda wholesome, actually.

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#17

"In the hardware store, a clerk asked, "Can I help you find anything?" "How about my misspent youth," joked my husband. The clerk shot back, "We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets." — Leslie McRobie, Lee

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Memere
Community Member
3 months ago

Awesome comeback!

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#18

"The sight of my mother cleaning her dentures fascinated my young son. He sat riveted as she carefully took them out, brushed and rinsed them, and then popped them back in. "Cool, Grandma!" he said "Now take off your arm."

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william mcgloin
Community Member
3 months ago

Can't take my arm off, but I can give you the finger.

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#19

"For her 40th birthday, my wife said, "I'd love to be ten again." So that Saturday, we had a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes, her favorite childhood breakfast. Then we hit the playground and a merry-go-round. We finished the day with a banana split.

"So how did you enjoy being a kid for a day?" I asked.

"Great," she said. "But when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size."

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Valerie G.
Community Member
3 months ago

Me too, dear. Me too.

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#20

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother's house for a visit. There's a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table, and John and his friends start snacking on them. When they're ready to leave, his friends say, "Nice to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for the peanuts." Grandma says, "You’re welcome. Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them."

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R Carson
Community Member
3 months ago

EEWWWW

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#21

A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, “All that bull does is eat grass. Won’t even look at a cow.” “Take him to the vet,” his friend suggested. The next week, John is much happier. “The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows!” he told his pal. “Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor’s cows! He’s like a machine!” “What kind of pills were they?” asked the friend. “I don’t know, but they’ve got a peppermint taste.”

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Jo Johannsen
Community Member
3 months ago

Got me!

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#22

"We'd finally built our dream home, but the contractor had a concern: the placement of an atrium window for our walk-in shower. "I'm afraid your neighbors might have a good view of you au naturel," he said.

My middle-aged wife put him at ease. "Don't worry," she said. "They'll only look once."

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Brian Bennett
Community Member
3 months ago

Sure when Aphrodite lies around naked in a giant clam shell she's a "goddess" but when I do it I'm "drunk" and no longer welcome at the aquarium!

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See Also on Fashion Life
#23

"Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, Tim, went for a swim in the community pool while his elderly father took a walk. Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, "I'm ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced that he had to leave because his father was calling. Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, "You're a kid?"

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Cassidy ChillRose
Community Member
3 months ago

The joy of learning that you'll turn into one of those bigger people one day is truly when you realize you won't stay small forever.

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#24

"When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked.

"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger. "What does that do?"

"It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face. "Now, what did you say your age was?"

"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.

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Auntriarch
Community Member
3 months ago

Never seen the point of lying about your age. Unless it's to say you're older

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#25

"I had just had my 50th birthday and found the decade marker traumatic. When I went to get my driver's license renewed, a matter-of-fact woman typed out the information, tested my vision, snapped the camera, and handed me a laminated card with my picture on it.

"You mean I have to look at this for the next four years?" I jokingly said to her.

"Don't worry about it," she replied. "In four years it'll look good to you."

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Robert T
Community Member
3 months ago

Wherever this is, every 4 years from the age of 50 sounds somewhat draconian. In the UK it is 70.

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#26

"Scene: with a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I made my own." —Mria Murillo

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Hugo Santos
Community Member
3 months ago

Self-made grandpa...

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#27

"While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?” — Sharon McGinley

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Brian Bennett
Community Member
3 months ago

My superpower? I can look you dead in the face while your talking and not hear a damn word you said!

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#28

"The average age of people living in our military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even his son turned up. "How old are you?" a tenant asked. "I’m 81 years old," he answered. The tenant shook her head. "They sure grow up fast, don’t they?" — Thomas Clements

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Melody Machala
Community Member
3 months ago (edited)

Help. I don’t get it

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#29

"One of my fourth graders asked my teacher's assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?"

"You should never ask an adult's age," I broke in.

"That's okay," Harriett said smiling. "I'm fifty."

"Wow, you don't look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her do."

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Vicky Z
Community Member
3 months ago

Ouch

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#30

"For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.

"It's my passport picture," she revealed.

"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"

"Walgreens," she replied. "

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Ben Steinberg
Community Member
3 months ago

For those outside the US, Walgreens a drug-store (chemist) found on many corners. And yes, you can get passport photos there (in someone of them).

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